I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
