The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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