I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
