John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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