I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
