Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
