he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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