you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
