I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
