Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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