she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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