There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
