I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
