Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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