My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
