tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Is it penis luge time yet?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
