while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
