i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
