had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
