She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
