Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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