pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
