I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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