remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
