New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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