Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
