I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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