You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
