I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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