Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
