apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
