On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
