At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
