i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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