We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Life is so much better after having sex.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
