I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
