I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
