we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
