that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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