I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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