i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
