i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
