and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
