I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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