I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
