I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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