I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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