I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
