3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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