Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
